Betty stepped on the last train of the day, lugging her heavy suitcase along with her. She’d needed to pack quite a lot because she would be gone for the entire summer. Glancing around the train car, she found that it was mostly empty. There weren’t many passengers heading out of town today. She was glad that she would have the place mostly to herself because she wasn’t feeling up to socializing with strangers. Even though she was perfectly fine on the outside, she felt like she was bleeding internally from the wounds on her heart. 

James had left her without a word, and now she was on her way to New York without being able to even say goodbye. After dating him for all of freshman, sophomore, and almost all of junior year of high school, she had believed that they were forever. That made it even harder to accept that she now had no idea where he was, or if she would ever see him again. The cut was so deep that she almost wouldn’t have been surprised to look down and see a bloodstain marking her shirt right where her heart had been torn from her chest– metaphorically speaking, of course. 

It would be one thing if he had disappeared out of nowhere. Then, she would have been worried sick over him and doing everything in her power to find him. But that wasn’t exactly what had happened. James had run off with another girl, after breaking a promise to her on a special occasion that was very important to her. It was salt on the wound that he had not spoken to her ever since that disappointing night. 

Betty supposed that she should have expected as much from a boy. Her only experience with men in her life was something that had happened when she was too young to even remember it; her father leaving when she was only a baby. Her mom explained it as she got older by telling her that people were sometimes weak, like water, and they ran in the same way. Whatever path was easiest was the path that many would take. But Clara had always encouraged Betty to live her life not running like water but blazing her own path like fire. When it came to boys, Betty had hoped that James was different from her father, and her mom had never discouraged her from dating because she wanted her to follow her own path in life rather than merely becoming an extension of her. Her mom was amazing, and always there for her. She loved her to pieces. 

Betty settled in her seat now, and looked out the window to find her mom waiting on the platform, watching for the train to pull out. She found her daughter’s face in the window and waved, beaming. “I love you,” she mouthed, and blew her a kiss. Betty returned the gesture, blinking away the tears welling in her eyes. She would miss her mom terribly this summer, but she was grateful that she trusted her enough to let her go. It was an incredible opportunity, and Clara never would have deprived her of it, especially since she trusted her so implicitly. 

She may have been only freshly seventeen, but Betty had a maturity beyond her years. When her boss at the bookstore had encouraged her to apply to a publishing house’s summer student internship in New York, and offered to sponsor her application fee, she was all too happy to accept. It was far from a sure thing, considering that she knew the publisher would likely receive hundreds of applications from students and they were only filling three spots. But she had hoped. Getting out of town for the summer was exactly the thing she felt she needed after that last brutal month of school. 

Everybody had been talking about her, about how James and Augustina had run off together and how poor, sad Betty had been left in the dust. She couldn’t get through a day without feeling the stares of people in the halls and hearing the whispers as she walked by. The only reason she survived those grueling weeks was her best friend, Inez. She’d been there for her, just like always, and had made a painful time just a little bit easier with her care and friendship. 

When Betty had received the good news that she was accepted for the internship, she was overjoyed. Even though Inez would miss her, and all the summer plans they had together, she still celebrated with her enthusiastically. Inez was her biggest cheerleader, other than her mom; the two of them had a lot in common, in fact, and Betty often suspected that Inez’s similarity to her mom was one of the reasons she felt so immediately connected to Inez when they’d met so many years ago. It would be hard to be away from her two favorite people in the world all summer, but she was ready for a fresh start far away from James. Betty and Inez had said goodbye the day before and promised to call and write to each other as often as they could.  

As the train pulled away, Betty settled into her seat and closed her eyes, ready for a nap. It would be a long train ride, a short walk, and then a plane ride to get to New York. 

Once the flight had flown, and she had landed in New York, Betty was so exhausted that she felt like a wilted rose. She dragged her suitcase off the luggage conveyor belt and searched the crowded terminal for the familiar face of her cousin.  

Dorothea waved to her from the seating area close to the doors, and Betty smiled widely and waved back, hauling her luggage over. They hugged and exchanged brief greetings and small talk before Dorothea kindly suggested that they get going so Betty could catch some shuteye. 

It didn’t take more than a few minutes after dropping her bags on the apartment floor and settling onto the couch in her cousin’s small apartment for her to pass out, drained from the hours of travel and the late hour of her arrival. 

Even though she slept all alone that night, her dreams were full of James. He still wouldn’t go, even in her subconscious.   

She saw his smile, holding a bouquet of flowers when he had picked her up for a date several months ago. She saw him passed out on her lap as they lounged on her couch in the living room, his eyes fluttering with dreams, and when he started muttering anxiously, she had bent down to whisper “come here” in his ear as she laid down beside him and cuddled close, comforting away his bad dreams. 

She remembered the time he had taken her out on his family’s snowmobile in the cold of winter, how much fun they’d been having before he crashed and flew off, hitting his elbow on a rock that was protruding out of the snow; she’d been unharmed, landing unceremoniously in a deep patch of fluffy snow, but he had a small cut that had left a stain of red blood on the white snow. The injury was minor, and she’d been able to patch him up just fine with the basic first aid kit they had on hand. 

She flashed back to another time when he’d taken her to his family’s lake house, and they’d gone out on the boat for a joyride. Her blue dress had billowed in the wind and her hair had flown out wildly behind her as they sped along the water. 

The fun times they had enjoyed together were seemingly endless, and the memories assaulted her now in her sleep.

He may have been a great boyfriend for the majority of the time they’d been together, but he had still hurt her badly and she didn’t know what to feel anymore. 

She dreamed of him coming to her to apologize, wondering how that conversation would go. In her imagination, James would say that he’d take it all back if he could, that it was a moment of weakness, that he needed one chance. He would beg for forgiveness at her feet, hoping that she would let the past be the past. 

The dream version of her seemed to be the manifestation of her rage, however. She told him through her tears of sadness and anger that he should’ve said no, that he should’ve gone home instead of getting into Augustina’s car. He should’ve thought twice before he let it all go, and she should’ve been there in the back of his mind instead of utterly forgotten and disregarded. He should’ve known that rumors of what he did would get back to her. She shouldn’t be asking herself why it had happened, or asking him if Augustina was worth it. 

One of the most ironic parts of the whole thing was that Augustina was practically Betty’s clone, they looked so alike. They both had brown hair and blue eyes, and pretty faces. It clearly wasn’t about looks, but some deeper emotional connection or the temptation of something new and different, that had lured James into his actions. She should have been enough for him.

But all of the “should haves” meant nothing because the reality was that he had fucked up, big time. She wasn’t sure she could ever believe that they would ever be the same, no matter how many of the “right” things he said. In the end, James had tried to chase two girls, and the consequence was that he had lost the one he’d hoped to keep. As her mom would say, “a friend to all is a friend to none.” You couldn’t chooseeveryone without ultimately choosing no one. James had made his choice, and now he had to live with it. 

For all Betty cared at this point, he could search in every maiden’s or model’s bed for something greater than what they had had—she knew that he never would find it. 

Betty’s fitful dreams finally ended as the morning came, and she awoke groggily to the sound of a tea kettle whistling on the stove as Dorothea rummaged in the kitchen. 

“Good morning sleepy head,” Dorothea called brightly.

“Mmmphh” was Betty’s tired response. 

Dorothea chuckled. “Not a morning person, huh?” 

“Not really…” Betty said. “But once I get my morning caffeine and some breakfast in me, I’ll be great.” 

“Do you care what form that caffeine comes in?” Dorothea inquired. “I’m more of a tea person than a coffee person, but if you need coffee we can grab some at the grocery store later,” she offered. 

“Tea is fine,” Betty assured her. 

Within a few minutes, Dorothea handed a steaming cup of tea to her cousin before offering to give her a tour of her humble abode. The living room, which doubled as a guest sleeping area, was small but neat, and included a cozy armchair near the window that Betty could picture sitting in to read. On the other side of the room was the kitchen, also small and outdated but neat and clean. A tiny hallway led to the bedroom on one side and the bathroom on the other. Betty appreciated her cousin’s tidiness and felt very comfortable in her summer living arrangement. She said as much, thanking her cousin again for allowing her to stay with her.

“It’s no problem,” Dorothea said. “I was looking forward to spending some time with you. It’s been so long since we’ve seen each other! You’re going to have to catch me up on your life. Oh, and you can call me Dorothea if you want since that’s what you’re used to, but I do go by Dot now with most of my friends.” 

“Dot it is,” Betty smiled. They spent the rest of the morning chatting and getting ready for the day, which Dot had suggested they begin by hitting up the grocery store to stock up on food and essentials. While they got ready, Betty filled her in on the latest developments with James. 

“What a bastard,” Dot shook her head in disapproval. “Well, I get the sense that you’re feeling a bit torn about whether you’d even want him back or not…” she waited for Betty’s indication that this was correct, and continued when she nodded. “But you’re in New York now. You have all summer to figure things out, and if I could give you some unsolicited advice?” 

“Oh, please do,” Betty implored. 

“I would tell you to use this time to explore freely. James effectively ended your relationship. You no longer have any obligation to him. So don’t hold yourself back, you know? There are plenty of fish in the sea—and in this city especially, those fish come in all different colors of the rainbow.” She winked. Betty chuckled, and then Dot wiggled her eyebrows in a suggestive way that made realization dawn on her, and she giggled again. 

Dot wasn’t only suggesting that Betty should date freely this summer; she was suggesting that she might want to try dating not only men, but women as well. The idea was somewhat scandalous to Betty, considering the small-town values that had been forced upon her from a young age, values that told her boys should date girls and vice versa. Being gay wasn’t really marketed as a viable option where she lived, so she’d never considered the possibility. She was surprised and more than a little confused by the sudden excitement she felt at the idea. 

But that was a thought to reflect on a bit more later. In any case, she felt ready to put her broken heart in a drawer for the next couple of months and give herself the freedom to be whoever she wanted to be, regardless of who she was before. In New York, she suspected that everyone had been someone else before. She felt as if for once, nothing was holding her back. She was ready to search for a sound she hadn’t heard before, and the kaleidoscope of loud heartbeats under coats that flooded the streets of this city was the perfect place to find it. Everybody here wanted something more, and she felt invited to begin her own search for just that. Welcome to New York, she thought to herself. It’s been waiting for you! 

The two girls had errands to run, and they started at the grocery store. They walked through the aisles, adding items to their cart as they went, coming up with ideas for meals they could cook as well as grabbing their personal staples. For Betty, that meant oatmeal and eggs so that she could make her go-to breakfast options, as well as fixings for salads and sandwiches. Dot grabbed some bagels, cream cheese, lox, and bacon for breakfast, an assortment of vegetables that she would make into soups, and fresh fish and chicken from the seafood and butcher counters. They also stopped by the personal care section of the store to grab toiletries that Betty needed, and a few things Dot said she needed to replenish in the apartment. By the time they were ready to check out, their cart was full, and Betty felt a small wave of anxiety about how she would afford everything. 

Dot eased her concerns when she assured her that she would cover the bill, and Betty could help contribute to their expenses after she started receiving her paychecks from the internship. Betty knew that the pay would be meager, but she was perfectly willing to put all of her earnings toward living expenses so that Dot wasn’t footing the bill for her time in the city. Allowing her to crash on the couch was more than enough. Dot seemed unconcerned either way, and Betty was grateful for her cousin’s generosity. 

As the girls waited in the checkout line, Betty was startled momentarily when out of the corner of her eye she saw a shadow that looked all too familiar. But how could James be here? she wondered in panic as she spun around, searching for the person she wanted to see least in that moment. To her great relief, the person whose shadow she was chasing was not James after all, but just another young man with a similar build and characteristics. Of course James wasn’t there. He was off somewhere with his new girlfriend, surely. 

Dot glanced at her curiously. “Feeling a tad jumpy?” she asked teasingly.

“Ugh, you have no idea,” Betty replied. “I can’t get that stupid boy out of my mind.” 

Dot patted her shoulder sympathetically. “He may be haunting all of your ‘what-ifs’ right now, but I get the feeling you’ll be moving on to better things before you know it.” 

Betty smiled, hopeful that this was true. 

But later, the girls were enjoying lunch at a local café when it happened again. Betty saw James’ face on the unsuspecting waiter that was serving them, and had to shake it off and remind herself that he was not there. He was moving on, and she needed to do the same. 

After their errands, this task was made easier when Dot introduced Betty to one of her friends, a boy named Peter. He was 19 years old, which was younger than Dot, who was 22, but older than Betty. Compared to James, Peter seemed like such an adult. He had an apartment down the street, which he shared with two roommates, and a full-time job at a local record shop. He was really into music and art, and had an adventurous spirit that drew Betty in right away. 

They all went out together that night, and Betty had her first experience with the New York City nightlife. Walking through the crowds, the village was aglow. The lights were so bright, but they never blinded her. The group, which consisted of Betty, Dot, Peter, and his two roommates Sara and Hanna, took her dancing and she felt that she could dance to the beat of the city forevermore. It was a night filled with the thrilling sense of freedom. She quickly discovered that the spirit of this place was a brilliant mix of energy that was ever-changing, keeping her guessing and driving her crazy in the best way. More than she had in the past month and a half, Betty felt hope that here she could find a love here that was great, real, and true. As she danced with Peter, for the first time in a long time, James was completely put out of her mind. 

After hours out on the town, Dot told Betty she was ready to head home for the night. But Betty was still revved up, enjoying her newfound freedom. So when Peter asked if she wanted to go to his apartment, she didn’t hesitate to say yes. Sara and Hanna had other plans and wouldn’t be home for hours, so it would be just the two of them.

As they walked up the stairwell to his place, Betty could feel the tension building. His hand brushed hers, and instead of letting it slide away she found herself boldly grasping onto it with a squeeze. He looked over at her, his eyes flicking down to her mouth for the briefest moment. She smiled up at him with innocent eyes, knowing exactly the effect she was having. He looked away, a slight flush on his face, and they continued walking until they reached the front door. He turned the key in the lock and gestured for her to enter. “Ladies first,” he said. 

Betty stepped into Peter’s apartment, glancing around the room with mild interest. She was able to get a good sense of who he was as a person just from seeing the place where he lived. It was messy, but full of character. There were music posters on the walls, along with some abstract artwork, and a record player against the far wall that was clearly the centerpiece of the whole place. It was framed on either side by shelves and shelves of vinyl records. On the top shelf, a stick of incense was burning, filling the air with a flowery herbal scent. 

Peter gave her a moment to look around before reaching to brush her hand again, and she turned to him. “Hey,” he said simply. He grabbed her hand then and pulled her to him, a question on his face that she answered wordlessly with a seductive smile. Needing no further response, he brought his mouth down to kiss her. She kissed him back, a bit timidly at first but then with more confidence. 

Before long, they ended up on his couch and Peter was unbuttoning her blouse. She was thrilled with the turn of events, as she had immediately been attracted to Peter but wasn’t used to boys moving so quickly. James had certainly taken his time with their romance. She felt an immense wave of confidence in herself knowing that at least to someone, she was desirable enough to not waste any time. 

Later that night, Betty laid next to him as he fell asleep, replaying her whispered sighs in response to his touch. She could still feel his hands on her hips and thighs, the feeling of his mouth on hers. Peter was so different than James; his confidence was palpable. She wondered, with a quiet chuckle, whether James could somehow feel that Betty was officially no longer his. Of course, she knew that the most he would possibly hear of any of this would be vague rumors. There were a few people at school who she had mentioned her summer plans to, Augustina being one of them.

They weren’t friends, exactly, but they did share a class. It may have been petty, but in truth she’d wanted it to get back to James that she was going somewhere exciting by herself that summer. And since Augustina had been insistent that she didn’t know where James was—an obvious lie, since Betty heard from multiple sources that James was in fact staying at Augustina’s family beach house—she felt the best way was to play along by casually mentioning this to the one person she felt confident would pass the information along.  She’d hoped that the rumors would be blown out of proportion so that James thought she was going to New York specifically to enjoy a summer romance with somebody else. She’d had no idea that this would actually end up being the truth, but that only made it more satisfying to be laying here with another boy, hoping that James would somehow feel it. 

The weeks passed too quickly after that, with Betty spending her days at the publishing house and her nights with Peter, or Dot, or a variety of other people that comprised her new group of friends. She was enjoying her time with Peter, who she saw every day now. Even knowing that it wouldn’t be a long-term thing, she was having fun with him. She was happy with the knowledge that she’d have an abundance of pleasant memories of her time there. 

She would always remember the hours she spent with Peter on his couch, laughing with her feet in his lap like he was her closest friend. She would remember the time they’d gotten tipsy from drinking his roommate Hanna’s cheap-ass screw-top rosé, which she’d been all too happy to share with them, and ended up in a giggly pile on the floor. Even though Betty wasn’t usually a drinker, she’d decided to give herself a free pass for the summer, within reason of course. As long as she was responsible to her internship and her personal safety, she didn’t see the harm in a little alcoholically-enhanced fun. 

She would remember when they’d gone up to the roof with Peter’s boombox and danced with no shoes by the light of the moon. The sky had looked maroon because of the glare of the city lights. It was the same color as the burgundy stain on her t-shirt from when he’d splashed his wine into her on accident earlier that day, something they had laughed about after he’d apologized and she’d reassured him it was no big deal.

After spending so many weeks together, Betty had grown attached to Peter, but she never felt possessive of him, and vice versa. In fact, they often talked about their past relationships and used each other as sounding boards in that regard. 

Peter had been broken up with about the same time that James had left Betty. His ex-girlfriend was named Wendy, and although they’d had a much shorter run together, from what Betty could tell it seemed to have been equally as meaningful as her relationship with James. 

Betty vented about how James had hurt her, and how frustrating it was to still feel like she missed him after everything he’d done. 

“I keep fighting the urge to call him,” she lamented. “But I know it’s a bad idea. For one, it’s been too long; it feels like rust has grown between our telephones at this point. And for another thing, I really don’t think he deserves to hear from me,” she frowned. “He should be the one to reach out to me, don’t you think?”

“Oh, for sure,” Peter agreed. “He owes that to you at the very least.” 

Betty smiled sadly at him. “Yeah,” was all she could say. 

“You seem to be weighed down a lot by him,” Peter observed. “I can definitely relate.”

“To be totally honest, I’ve had some dark thoughts because of all of this. When Dot and Hanna took me to the empire state building last week, I was standing there at the top and couldn’t stop the thought from popping into my head that maybe if I could find the courage to jump… maybe he would come running,” she laughed at her own melodramatic confession. “Maybe if he thought he was going to lose me forever, he would finally say the one thing I’ve been wanting to hear from him.” She sighed. 

“I just wish I could move on,” she said. “Every morning I wake up with his memory over me. That’s a real fucking legacy to leave, isn’t it? No matter how much I try to forget about him, I can’t. I feel him no matter what.”

“He’s the carnations you had thought were roses,” Peter said, waxing poetic. “The rubies that you gave up.” 

“Yeah, except I didn’t give him up, he gave me up. In the end, I clearly meant so little to him that I wasn’t even worth a phone call.” She felt a tear slide down her cheek. 

Peter reached over and gently wiped the tear away. 

“Well, I wish I could say it feels better to be on the other side of things. But I did give up on my love,” he admitted sadly. “Wendy broke up with me, but it was my fault. I was already gone.” 

Betty didn’t have any words of wisdom for Peter, but she did know one thing she was good at: listening. “What happened between you two?” she gently inquired. 

“We were… fast, and tumultuous, and at the root of it all,” he thought for a moment, “we were good,” he finished simply. “Good together. She fit my poems like a perfect rhyme.” He smiled wistfully. Betty smiled at his description. They sounded cute. 

“But in the end, she needed more from me than I could give. She asked me for more: more of my time, and energy, and affection, and commitment. But I was scared, and all I could give her in response was silence. When that silence came, we were shaking, blind and hazy. We’d lost sight of us, somehow. I remember just sobbing with my head in my hands while she begged me to give her something to make her stay. And I just couldn’t.” He looked so sad at the memory.

“I remember when she left, and I just stood there hollow-eyed in the hallway while she emptied out her drawer and gathered her things from around my apartment. Then she was gone. Ain’t that the way shit always ends?” He shook his head in frustration. “I could have so easily changed our path but I just… didn’t. I can’t even explain it because I don’t understand it myself.”

Betty cared for Peter and was sympathetic to his pain. But she also felt bad for Wendy, knowing that the girl surely deserved better than what he’d been able to give her. She hoped that somehow, the two could find a way to reconcile and get their happy ending. 

For Better and Peter, the time they spent together was fun and special in its own way, but it wasn’t meant to last. As the summer was nearing its end, the relationship fizzled as they both always had known it would. She lost him, at least romantically, but she was optimistic that their friendship would continue even after she left New York. 

In the last two weeks before it was time for her to head home, Betty was surprised by someone else, however.

One of Peter’s roommates, Hanna, was a fascinating young woman. She lived a life that was so vibrant and free. Betty had never met somebody as fascinating as her, and after she and Peter had amicably ended their summer fling, Hanna didn’t lose any time swooping in for her chance to get to know Betty on a more personal level. The idea of dating a woman was still very new to Betty, but Hanna made it seem so normal. 

For Hanna, dating was as natural as breathing. She was polyamorous, which was a concept Betty had never heard of before. It meant that she didn’t prescribe to the concept of monogamy, and instead led an open and honest non-monogamous lifestyle, dating multiple people at a time and allowing each relationship to follow its own path independently. 

One of her polyamorous partners was their other roommate, Sara. They maintained a casual “friends with benefits” type of relationship, but their friendship was very close and they cared about each other deeply. Sara had one other partner, who was non-binary, and she wasn’t currently exploring further relationships.

Betty once asked if Hanna had ever dated Peter, considering that they lived together and the possibility seemed bound to come up at some point. But Hanna just chuckled and said that, while it was something shewould be interested in, she didn’t think Peter was mature enough to be poly. Balancing multiple relationships and partners required emotional intelligence that he didn’t seem to possess, at least not yet. “Maybe someday,” she said. “But right now, I’m more interested in you,” she flirted shamelessly. 

It was a leap of faith for Betty to go there with Hanna, knowing that it could teach her things about herself that she might not be ready to confront. But what better opportunity would there ever be for her to explore this than when she was so far away from home and the judgmental opinions that lived there? Dating Hanna was a fun, easy, low-risk and low-commitment way to discover new sides of herself that she had been hiding away in her subconscious for so long.

It was fun, and by the end of the summer, she had no regrets about her choices. She said goodbye to Hanna, Peter, and Dot with tearful goodbyes, but with only happy memories in her heart from the summer she’d spent with them. 

When she arrived back home, she felt ready to see James again in whatever form that would take. New York, and all of her experiences there, had given her confidence that she needed to face him without expectations. James no longer had the same power over her; she didn’t need him the same way, because now she knew that she had many options beyond him. 

Of course, her sense of peace was put to the test when the first day of the school year came around and she discovered, to her displeasure, that he was in her homeroom class. She tried not to let it bother her, but it was hard not to feel anything when she glanced over at him and all of the memories came rushing back. Seemingly against her will, her gazed traveled his face from the green eyes she had spent so much time staring into, to his endearingly freckled cheeks, to the familiar lips she used to call home. She averted her eyes as she felt the blood rush into her cheeks, so scarlet and incredibly embarrassing. But he seemed to be staring at her as well, and when she glanced up again, she realized that his gaze was fixed on her collarbone. She immediately recognized what he must have been staring at; Hanna had left a mark the last time she’d kissed her there, passionate as she was. Inez had teased her about it earlier that morning. Betty turned away quickly, feeling strangely guilty even though she knew that she’d had every right to be romantic with other people. 

She ignored him for the rest of the day, which was easy to do since they didn’t share any other classes and she had Inez to act as her personal bodyguard. But she did go straight to the office after school to request to change her homeroom, which the guidance counselor was kind enough to help her with. Being a straight-A student and an all-around “good girl” had its perks.

She’d hoped that this would be the end of things, and she could finally put the question of her and James to rest. He clearly had no intention of apologizing or trying to make things right again. That was what she tried to convince herself of, at least, until she heard a knock at her door in the middle of a small back-to-school party she was throwing about a week later. She opened the door to find James standing there in the rain. 

I knew you’d come back to me, she thought to herself. I knew you’d miss me, once the thrill expired. And as much as she wanted to feel anything other than relief, she couldn’t ignore the feelings welling up inside of her. Despite everything, she loved this stupid boy. Against her better judgment, she knew that if he was ready to explain himself and promise to do better, she was ready to forgive him. And on that rainy late summer night, she found herself doing just that. 

Songs used:

Cardigan (continued)

Is It Over Now? (continued)

Should’ve Said No

Welcome to New York

Maroon 

Holy Ground